Tags
female, genders, love, male, men, personal, relationships, sex, sexuality, spirituality, women, yang, yin
Before my awakening, I saw women in a much different way than I did after it. As I grew up, I was never a very social person. I always had a difficult time making friends, never mind, girlfriends. I went through all of high school, without ever dating, in fact, I didn’t go on my first date until I was 20 years old. Even then, it was a rare occurrence. I am now approaching my 30th birthday in a little less than a months time, and I am still a virgin. However, the evolution that I have gone through since the awakening has enabled me to see women, and sexuality in a completely different way.
While I was in high school, and beyond until my awakening at the age of 27, I never understood how to react around women. I kept seeing other guys going up and hitting on them, and talking about them behind their backs, discussing who was the hottest, or what features of different girls stood out, and comparing them off against each other and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10. As I got older, and left high school, it turned into things like going to strip clubs or parties to hit on drunk girls because they we’re the easiest. I was a witness to this behaviour, but was never pulled to participate in it. I was asked on many occasions, and told on many occasions that I need to get laid, that I need to go to the strip clubs, and peer pressure, even from adults, and family members, was quite strong. However, it never felt right to me, it was never something I wanted to do. So people always questioned me, asking if I was gay. Which I knew I wasn’t. Women were beautiful to me, I was captivated by their beauty, and I had a few of my own crushes in high school. However, I never understood how to act on them. With all the other guys and even family, trying to tell me to get laid…. I didn’t understand how to approach a woman without that intention in mind. The thought of it was scary. Because no matter what approach I would take, she was going to think I was hitting on her, that I wanted to get laid, that I wasn’t really interested in who she was. All these thoughts were going through my head. So throughout my entire high school years, I never asked a girl out, I never complimented a girl, I never showed any appreciation for them. I was non-existent to them. I was that quiet guy, possibly that creepy guy that doesn’t socialize, and because of it, I went unnoticed, and if a girl showed interest in me, the same thoughts would spin in my head, creating more and more awkwardness. As high school ended, and I got older, the beauty of women was something that was so attracting, so arousing, that it was hard to see beyond the desire. So pornography became my best friend, which then led to fetishes, and BDSM, and an exploration of what really turned me on. But I never sought a partner, I just took an interest in these things in the privacy of my own home, and never told anyone.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place for many many years. I had this desire, for women, I wanted to get laid. But I didn’t agree with one night stands or treating women like objects, so my fear of coming off as one of those guys prevented me from stepping outside of my comfort zone. That is how deep the conditioning of men runs. If a man isn’t willing to objectify women, and see their desire, instead of her own beauty, he’s thought to be gay, and has all these insecurities about what it means to be a man. About what it means to approach a woman. At this time, I did not have an understanding of my own desire. I was confused by it. The lengths I would go through to “get off” eventually became weirder and harder. I will not mention my particular fetishes in this post, that’s more of a private matter, however, I had discovered that being horny, allows a man, to take more risks, to be more adventurous, a little more courageous. To do things he wouldn’t normally do (good and bad) just because he was horny. As soon as he was spent, it all went away, and back to non aroused reality, which was never fulfilling, there was always a need, always a longing for more, yet, the aroused reality, seemed to crazy, but it least had passion. The passion goes away with the arousal, leaving him feeling a little disappointed. So naturally, I began to like being horny, but my desire, was too powerful to last very long. And still, because of that social conditioning, opening up to a woman about any of these new found fetishes, only got worse with time. I felt exactly like the joker said in The Dark Knight….. ” you’re like a dog chasing cars, you wouldn’t know what to do with one if you caught it.” The lack of understanding women, was something that led to many years of depression. Many years of loneliness, many years of questioning if I was normal. Always seeking a depressed woman, someone who might be able to relate. Which led nowhere, because neither one wants to make an effort, neither one wants to change because they both believe they’re not worth it, and have no motivation to leave the house.
Then my awakening occurred. In a single night, energy shot up my spine to give me a divine experience in which I saw my ego, and knew in that moment, that I was not my ego. Instantly, I was detached from my suffering. I was filled with love, bliss, joy, and peace. I felt emotions. Emotions that didn’t weigh a thousand pounds. Emotions that I had not felt since I was a child. I felt this feminine energy, radiating through me. I call it feminine, not because it made me feel gay, but because it was this cold energy that brought to me a sense of being alive that I never knew was possible. I felt incredibly alive, and I can only describe it as feminine, it was an intuitive understanding that it was feminine energy.
This energy, gave me an instant understanding of women. I could see all the confusion of men and women’s egos, and why both genders can be so confused as to why its so hard to have a relationship. I began to see women in a completely new light. My lack of understanding, and my insecurities, and my desire to have sex with a woman we’re completely gone. Now when I say my desire to have sex with a woman was completely gone, I do not mean it in a sense that, I was no longer attracted to them, or saw them as absolutely beautiful. No. I mean it in the sense that, I saw women in a way, that enabled me to see their beauty and not my own desire.
This made women much more beautiful, much more attractive, it was magical. I saw women no longer as objects, my doubts were gone. I saw women as equals, and for the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly what it was that they wanted. Trust. With the conditioning of society, the confusion of the genders, trust is an extremely hard thing to come by. I knew from my awakening, that I wasn’t looking for love, I wasn’t looking for a woman to love me, to take love from a woman. I had begun to love myself, I knew that love came from me, and did not need to attach a woman to that job. Ever since my awakening, I have not been shy or nervous around women, I have not hit on them, or flirted with them, or tried to impress them. I was no longer playing the game. I was just simply, being myself. I no longer had to make an effort, I had realized, that when the right woman walks into my life, I’ll know it. It will just happen naturally. And I’m so comfortable being single now, I don’t hate myself for it, I’m not constantly wishing I was with someone anymore, I know that it will happen, when the time is right, and there will be nothing that can stop it.
I’m also comfortable with the fact that it may never happen, that it doesn’t have to happen, to experience love. I can love every person that comes into my life, simply by creating that trust. By being myself, without taking from others. This new found respect for all women, despite their age, their body size, their looks, or their personalities, all of them matter, was profound. Sex will occur if the connection is there, a relationship will occur if the trust is there, and marriage will occur when the sex, the connection, the relationship, the trust, and the intimacy are there. The love was there all along, unconditionally, coming from you, coming from them, shared, not taken. That does not mean a relationship of this nature has to be all roses and unicorns. Unconditional love means, that despite what struggles may arise, you’ll face them together.
So now I am much more open, much more aware, of who I am, and what I want, and to never settle for less. That by being myself, I create the opportunity for others to see the real me, no impressions, no proving myself, no expectations, and most importantly no effort. It takes no effort to be yourself. That’s all it takes. Be you. Be – you – ti – ful…… Be you to the fullest. That’s what makes us beautiful.